And Then My Head Exploded...

I'm back from my self-imposed hiatus. Thanks to all of you who so patiently and kindly bombarded my inbox with hate email, especially those who called me lazy and forgetful. Those were a true joy to read. :-)

Anyway, the last few days have been, ummm, interesting. So much so that I experienced a minor health misfunction, as indicated in the above title. Well, okay, my head didn't actually explode...but I'm sure some sort of internal damage was done.

Here's a run-down of the things I have experienced in the last five days: Two friends (scratch that...one friend, one soon-to-be mortal enemy) conducting a righteous public dispute, learning that a new friend of mine is actively involved with "extra-curricular" activities, being harrassed by my son's assistant baseball coach, having my first "misunderstanding" and subsequent first conflict resolution exercise with hot new guy, and the Ex announcing his plans to co-habitat with me during the 4th of July holiday.

First off, last Thursday, I had a phone conversation with New Guy that quickly turned into something reminiscent of a botched science experiment. He was very short with me on the phone which turned me into Miss Paranoid, further influencing his weirdness. During the conversation, he also told me he wasn't free on Friday due to kid commitments, and we made plans to try to get together on Saturday. He would call. Then we hung up. Then I spent the next hour frantically worrying about the phone call. So I called him back. (SIDEBAR: I know, I know. This was probably NOT a good move. But it will all work out for the better - read on.) We talked and this time it was better, but still something was off. That's when my ulcer formed...

Friday, I took the day off work to take the kids to the pool. I made plans to go with Kelly and subsequently rounded up all the kids, a couple bottles of sunscreen, 72 juice boxes and whatever non-melting snacks I could rummage together. We piled in the car and headed to the pool. Kelly was to come later. Meanwhile, my other friend, Kathleen, was already there. Before getting too far into this story, I must mention that Kelly & Kathleen recently had a huge blow-up during which they called each other names and insulted each other in ways only two women could manage. I'm sure you understand. Anyway, I went over and sat with Kathleen at the edge of the pool. A short while later, Kelly arrived and made her way over to us. She sat down on the other side of me and casually began to make small talk. Until Kathleen turned and completely ripped her head off. I'm pretty sure I'm not exaggerating that, either. She kept at her, despite the fact that Kelly was trying to smooth over the situation, saying she was quite over it and that nothing was wrong. So, naturally, Kathleen proceeded to call her a liar, and continued on her rampage. That's about when Kelly decided she'd had enough, promptly told her as much, and calmly walked away from the situation. Leaving me there alone. And that's when my spleen ruptured...

Nonetheless, Friday night I took my ulcer and ruptured spleen to a local bar with my new friend, P. She is a stay-at-home mom with two kids and a life spent driving her SUV to the fitness club before spending the rest of the afternoon lounging beside her swimming pool. She is tons of fun to talk to and she's very cute. Which is mainly why I was shocked when she told me about her extra-marital affairs. And, oh, did she ever go into detail. She told me who she targets, how she finds them, what she does to get them, what they like to "do," and so on. And I'm pretty sure she was trying to hook me into going along for the ride. Which didn't happen - especially since the Assistant Baseball Coach/Stalker invaded our little get-together. This guy has been calling my cell phone for the last several days, asking what my plans are and when and where the next get-together might be. And even though I told him Friday afternoon that I was NOT comfortable with him being there, he showed up anyway. And drank lots of beer... And told us stories about his unhappy marriage... And totally hit on P... And then left after she politely told him "No, thank you." Ugh. That's when my appendix burst...

So onto Saturday. I took the kids to the pool again so I wouldn't have to worry about New Guy as much. I still worried about it, of course, but making sure two young children didn't drown required just enough mental focus to keep my mind off the other situation. I made the mistake of taking along the latest issue of Cosmo for reading material. In case you don't know this already, it's not a good idea to read Cosmo when you are having guy problems. Which is how I ended up eating Cheese Nachos, Ice Cream, and a slice of Pepperoni Pizza from the concession stand. And guess what? He didn't call. So four hours and four pounds of food later, we went home. At 5:30 p.m., I launched into full panic mode. And then, at 5:45 p.m., he called. And we had THE BEST conversation. Whew! No big whoop. All is good. He was busy with a friend's birthday, and I earned crucial potential-girlfriend bonus points by urging him to go out with his friends. I would be okay, I don't mind that stuff, I was just glad to talk to him, etc. So he promised to call me during the night, and followed through. Very cool.

But during this conversation, the real deal about Thursday came out. His sister had called him immedately before me and freaked him out about something she thought I said. And that's when the seizures started. But we had an actual discussion about it and talked it all the way through. This is the part I refer to as the Conflict Resolution Exercise. And it cleared the air, set us back on track, and ended with him being his usual sweet, romantic self. Ahhhhhhhh.

The rest of the weekend was good, except when Ex called to inform me that he would be coming to visit the kids and staying at my house over the 4th of July holiday. Then my head exploded... I am currently on a campaign to either have his car break down or figure out a way to vaporize myself before that happens.

So, see why I have been on hiatus? I needed some time to decompress. I'm sorry for taking so long to update you on the situations at hand. But see what you got in return? The Longest Blog Entry Ever Written (this thing could probably win awards).

If anybody has any advice on fixing the above-mentioned health problems, or knows of a way for me to accomplish that whole vaporizing thing, please let me know. Until next time...

JB - I know you're reading this, so hurry up that Disney vacation of yours and come home. I'm sure by now the kids have had enough fun. P.S. Hope the VS delivery went as planned...