Haiku Friday 3

So glad it's Friday!

My week has been terrible,

You don't want to know.

Been lots of heartache.

Lots of fighting and crying.

It was just ugly.

And what did I learn?

Stuff about having your cake.

And eating it, too.

That love is a game.

Though it really should not be,

You must play it well.

There's more to this tale.

It is so complicated.

Read on to find out.

Someday

My friend, G, was over at my house last night. We were sitting on my front porch while all the kids ran around the front, back, and side yards, chasing each other and tackling each other while screaming and shreiking. And eating chocolate chip cookies. Ever want to be in elementary school again?!

Us moms were relaxing and enjoying the return of the killer mosquitos. Gina was cracking me up because, first of all, when she came over, she made the trek across the lawn with a bonus-sized can of OFF! in her hand. She wielded that thing like a weapon. Even funnier was the way she would pump about 12 sprays at the menacing maniacs while never once breaking stride in her conversation. It was really funny!

Anyway. She gave me the nicest compliment about yesterday's blog post. She was telling me how it was so obvious how much I truly love MG. And by the way it was written, she could see the true, deep feelings I have for him. That it was beautiful and almost made her cry.

Well, needless to say, my head immediately swelled WAY up! That made me feel so good because, not only is that WAY true, but it was such a huge compliment and it really meant a lot to me.

As I was writing that entry yesterday, I was thinking about how much I really do love MG. Add to the fact that I was looking at and/or talking to him most of the time I was writing, and you can see why the feelings were so strong. After she said that to me, I was very proud that those feelings came through in my writing. So this morning, I re-read the post - with an outside perspective, trying to read the post as everyone else out there would read it.

And I was actually under-whelmed. I don't know why. I think it's because I KNOW that there are lots more things I can say and lots of other details I can give you. It didn't seem like it came across as strongly as I had intended. So I'm thinking I should give it a little bit of a re-do.

G said she especially liked the part about the hug he gave me when he first walked in the door. I cannot find the words to describe exactly what that felt like. I want to say that it felt like fire. Like he was on fire, I was on fire, we were on fire. The warmth of his body literally enveloped me. It was highly-anticipated, much-needed, hot, warm, sincere, sexy, and slow. Yes, slow. Like, you could see and feel the intent behind it. He held me there in his arms for a long time. He held me tightly. I felt very safe and secure and the emotions were intense. Yes, he has done this before. A lot, actually. And I love it every time. He usually kisses my forehead and rubs my back while he's doing it. Of course, I return every ounce of affection... But sometimes I just like to put my head against his chest or place my face in his neck and just breathe it all in. If only I could stop time in those moments...

Moving on (and omitting a large chunk of time in between), I also mentioned that we spent some time just hanging out and enjoying each other's company. I got to lie in his arms and put my head on his chest for the longest time. I could have died right there and been okay with it. I loved it and have wanted to do that for the longest time, but I can't describe what it felt like to actually be in that moment. It felt so perfect it is indescribable. We talked as he caressed my back and shoulder. And kissed my forehead a couple of times. I memorized every single freckle on his stomach, and enjoyed the contour of his rib cage. While all of that was going on, he told me the cutest stories. All I could think about was how much I loved being there with him and how much I love him. It goes down to the core of my being and feels so comfortable it's scary.

This was all so wonderful that I'm still reliving it on Friday. And probably will for quite some time. But, as you know, we have our share of ups and downs, just like everyone else. And because of the situation, we often have extra hurdles to overcome.

For example, it is REALLY HARD during those times when I have to leave him and go my separate way. Most of the time when that happens, we give each other the saddest, yet sweetest looks. And a little piece of my heart breaks every time. It's hard, and upsetting, and frustrating. Walking away from someone you love or watching that someone walk away from you is excruciating.

We even have a line for it which he uses on me at the ends of our dates. It goes like this:

MG: (as he is kissing me goodnight) Nudge me in the morning for breakfast?
Me: I would love to.
MG: Someday.
Me: Someday. Definitely, someday. (another kiss goodbye, heart breaking)

I think that kind of sums it all up. I love him deeply and truly with all of my heart. In a way I really didn't think was possible.

I think we are both trying to figure stuff out here. We started to talk about it once. As he said, he is a planner, and needs to plan things out. All I know is how much I love him and how perfect it is when we are together. In fact, most of the time it feels like I'm living in a dream.

The good news is that I am a firm believer that dreams really do come true...

Someday.

Haiku Friday 2

Because I'm tired

I'm not very creative

So maybe next week?

How's that for the world's WORST haiku? I suppose that was kind of creative...if you squint your eyes and really, really think about it. I promise to post something of substance after I drink some coffee!

Now This Gives New Meaning to Super Tuesday!

This post is hereby dedicated to that beautiful day of the week, Tuesday! I have a particular fondness for it because, for one reason or another, that is the day that I usually get to see MG.


Before last week, golf league made that all possible. It provided quite the perfect opportunity for us to get together. Last year, when we were busy dancing around the issue and ourselves, I hated Tuesdays because it actually meant I got to see him very little, if at all. And I hated that! But this year was much different. I looked forward to Tuesday as if it were Christmas.

After the season ended a couple of weeks ago, I began dreading Tuesdays because there wouldn't be any more opportunities for dates or phone calls. But so far, I have been wrong.


Last Tuesday I was at a school meeting when I got a very sweet phone call. MG was otherwise occupied, but made time to call me in between events. That ROCKED because have I mentioned lately that I love him? I was very glad to have had that phone call, but at the same time, I was a little gloomy over not getting to see him. It was the first Tuesday in a while that we had not seen each other.


I began worrying about this Tuesday on say, Saturday. I was already psyching myself up for a disappointing, uneventful week. Especially since MG was out of town and would be flying back on Tuesday morning.


Because of his being out of town, I didn't get to talk to or see him all weekend. The last contact we had was on Friday evening. I thought about him a lot over the weekend (what's new?!?) but did not expect to hear from him.


Which is why the text message I got at 2:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning TOTALLY ROCKED! Yes, it arrived while I was dead asleep. And yes, I was more than a little groggy when I pinged back my reply. But OMG I was super glad to hear from him and was instantly filled with warm fuzzies.

That said, we really didn't talk about a whole lot. It was more of a touching base, how are you kind of thing. So anyway, I was feeling rather chipper when I arrived to work yesterday morning. Three minutes later, as I was taking my first bite of a Starbucks' Seven-Layer Bar (ever had one? Geezus - they are good!) I got a TM that said he was almost home from the airport and wanted to get together.

I'm pretty sure right after that happened, I heard the sweet sounds of angels singing, followed by beautiful birds chirpring and babies laughing. Somebody walked up to me and punched me right in the face, but I just turned around and laughed. Then gave them a big kiss. Okay, that stuff didn't really happen, but I'm just tryin' to say that I was very, very happy.

And I also must say how impressed I am with him for being so spontaneous and creative and gutsy. This is very much unlike him. He says his brain doesn't work that way. Which sounds like a flimsy excuse and an easy way of becoming the one NOT to make the plans and, well, think. But, trust me, he's right. His brain really doesn't work that way - usually (luckily - mine does!). The other day, however, his brain was functioning very well which apparently means he does his best thinking at 37,000 feet!


But, anyway, I digress... I ditched the Seven-Layer Bar, packed up my stuff, lied a lot to our Receptionist about where I was really going and why I would be gone for a few hours, and headed home.

That's right! We actually got to have that much-anticipated date at my house. Remember DDay? And how I had that all planned out, complete with a cleaning itinerary and division of duties? You know - how every object in my house (animate and inanimate) was to be freshly scrubbed and pleasantly scented? And how every single item was to have its own home complete with plastic organizational thingees and labels?

Yeah. Well, that didn't exactly happen. But it's all good. I did make it home in time to get the kids' beds made and things crammed, jammed, and stuffed into out-of-sight hiding places (my kitchen cabinets are totally screwed right now, but that's okay!)


Then he came over. And it was awesome.


As soon as he walked in the door, I wanted to faint and/or die. Whenever we get a quiet moment together when I can look right into his eyes, I am awestruck. Really. I can't think straight, I get flushed, I probably sit there with my mouth hanging open, my heart rate speeds up to 150 bpm, I say silly things, and I giggle.

All of those things ensued. And then he wrapped his entire body around me and gave me the longest, warmest, sweetest hug ever. I'm pretty sure I actually melted right there in his arms. And we stayed like that for quite a long time. I don't think my kitchen has ever seen that much kissing in its lifetime. (relax, the wallpaper is still stuck to the walls.)

Every once in a while, I got to stand against him with my hands planted firmly in his back pockets, resting my head on his chest, taking it all in. Every. Single. Second.


I won't gross you out by elaborating on any more of our activities than I already have. I'm sure you see where this is headed. But I have to say that in the name of all things Holy, it was amazing! Ahem.


Just so you don't get the wrong idea, we also got to spend some QT talking and enjoying each other's company. We talked about all kinds of stuff. How his trip went. Who he met. How work was. The color of my bedroom walls. The kids. And wrapped in his arms, I wanted to stay that way for pretty much ever. I listened to his heart beating and soaked up every single moment. It's in those moments that it is clear to me THAT is the place I want to be.

If only it were that simple...

Haiku Friday

Okay, okay... I am becoming a poet. I am all for branching out and developing new talents... Plus my friend Toni, from Tale of Two Kiddies introduced me to this concept. The idea being that it is way easier to publish a Haiku on Friday than come up with actual writing material. I thought this applied to me today, so here goes:

Love is amazing,

Though I am often confused,

I wouldn't trade it.

Wow! That wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be! Check out these other submissions to Haiku Friday. It's great reading material for you until I get my act together and actually publish a post...ha ha.

Love Bites (literally)

My date Tuesday night resulted in me being bitten by roughly 1.3 million mosquitoes. Judging by the size of the resulting welts, they were all of the super, giant, flesh-eating variety. I am COVERED from scalp to toe in them... I mean they are in between my fingers, inside my belly button, on 80% of my arms, and EVERYWHERE in between. E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E, people. This is NOT an exaggeration.

However, I must say that the whole thing was well worth it. I am willing to sacrifice my skin in order to spend QT with MG. And, oh, what a fantastic time we had (sorry, I couldn't help myself).

Kelly and I walked late last night and she was kind enough to bring along a tube of itch cream. I LOVE that stuff. Man, I rubbed it into every square inch of my exposed skin during our walk. And rubbed, and rubbed, and... Then I went home and took care of the rest of my body. Today at lunch I invested in the largest possible tube of Maximum Strength Relief Cream. I'm pretty well lathered in it as we speak. And later I'm going to buy some stock in Pfizer Consumer Healthcare. God Bless those people!

MG thought this whole thing was funny at first. Yesterday, when the bites were in their infant stage, it was kinda funny. But now that they have blossomed, it's pitiful really. Being me right now if physically miserable. Because it feels like my skin is literally crawling. I'm trying to prevent myself from engaging in maniacal scratching and thrashing for fear of looking like I might actually be mistaken as mentally retarded (please hold all comments to yourselves, thank you.). MG feels sorry for me. This pity, however, has not precluded him from making the occasional smartass comment about my condition. But that's okay because I happened to notice a few red bumps on him this afternoon - suffering (and scratching) is best done in pairs.

Oh yeah - you should see the looks I've been getting from the general public. They are either feeling sorry for me for having such an acute case of psoriasis, or they are trying to figure out what else might be wrong with me to have attracted every single last mosquito in the entire Midwest to my body. Either way - not good.

Today someone said to me, "Gee, I guess you should stop getting naked and lying in the grass." Yeah, real funny. If they only knew.

Truth be told, I guess I should stop doing that.

....nah

BTW, if you happen to cross paths with a mosquito today, please Kill. It. Dead. Smack the living Hell out of it! All bugs must die! Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter and have a great day!

Queen of the World

Okay, kids. Here's the deal. I've had a good night's sleep and my mind is now clear - I have figured out what I'm going to do about BA.

And that is... I'm going to tell the truth - which means that will be a done deal. Here is how I came to that conclusion:

First of all, I spent all of yesterday looking at, flirting with, and talking to MG. And it was GREAT. He is a really sweet, loving man. There are many, many things about him I love. And there is this underlying sense of things just being right with him. I know it every time I see him. And yesterday I realized without a doubt that there is nothing that would ever happen to cause me to break things off with him. Like I would be more willing to lose a limb or an eye or the use of my faculties than that. Okay, I knew that WAY before yesterday, but anyway...

Also yesterday I received TMs from BA all day long. They were sweet, yes. And contained many ILYs, but there is something missing there. In a BIG WAY.

I realized along the way that even though BA is fun and attentive and loving, I think what makes me want to be around him the most is, well, the attention. I mean, it is FAN-TASTIC having someone to call you sweet little pet names and dote all over you and treat you like you are the Queen of the world. Who wouldn't love that?

I sure did. And I think I kinda became dependent on it. That is really what I don't want to stop. All the attention.

So anyway, last night I had a date with MG. He is the person I want to be with. He is the person I would drop anything (and anybody) for.

We had a very AWESOME date during which we did some driving and talking. It was great just to be with him. Then we went to the park where we sat by the water and enjoyed the stars. And talked some more. And stuff. And during all of that, there were several times when I looked into his eyes and just knew.

On the way home, I held his hand as we talked about our November trip. I think we have all the details worked out on that. And hopefully it will go off without a hitch. Because, MAN OH MAN, it will be fabulously wonderful!

Also on the way home we started to have a serious conversation. We started to talk about what was going to happen with us. But we decided to talk about it later. I'm not entirely sure where he was going with that. At this point I'm not going to be the one to bring it up. I know he is thinking about it a lot and I know he wants to talk to me about it. I'm leaving the timing up to him.

I know what I want him to say. And I know what I want to tell him. But I also understand the complexity of the issue. Nonetheless, I really do love him with all of my heart. Being with him truly makes me happier than anything BA does/did/could do. He makes me feel like the Queen of the World. I hope he knows that.

Holy Crap!

It is the start of a new week and I am operating on very little sleep. Plus there's a whole lotta stuff happening right now and I am confused and stressed out and cranky.

So there. Deal with it.

Some weird-ass things happened this weekend. I had a few dates with BA. And I stayed up really late. And I met a 13-year-old girl who decided to tell me her all about her ultra-crazy, very promiscious social life. And BA told me he loves me.

Yep. You read that right.

You see, I'm at an utter loss for words about this. I did NOT see that coming. Well, not all the way. I definitely saw that he was getting V-E-R-Y serious. And I knew that the terms of our original "arrangement" were breaking down. On both sides.

And I mentioned before that he had become very romantic and sweet and stuff. But I did NOT see the L word in our immediate future.

But anyway, it happened. And along with it came a truckload of problems...

It happened yesterday in a face-to-face discussion. He told me he loves me and wants to be with me. That we are good together and I am good for him. That he didn't expect to fall in love with me when we first met, but that it just sorta happened.

Oh yeah, and that now I have to cut things off with MG. Or else.

W-T-F?!?!?!?!?!? (By the way, if I could have typed that in 80-pt. red typeface with bolding and underlining, and maybe some nice italics, I would have.)

Two words ran through my mind: Holy. Crap. (edited for content)

Now, I've known all along that BA knew about MG. The Puppetmaster took care of that. I was under the impression that the whole situation was kinda driving BA's interest - or at least making it more intense. It provided the fuel that made him try harder.

Here's where I messed up... I didn't realize BA didn't know how serious my thing with MG is. Meaning mainly that he didn't know it was also a sexual thing. Until I. Told. Him. Good God! That was NOT a PRETTY PICTURE! Thank you, Puppetmaster, for giving me whole story on that!

After that fiasco, the whole MG conversation was immediately ramped up to include phrases like:
If you don't end it with him, don't come back.
I don't want him to ever touch you again.
If you decide you love him and want to be with him, I am going to walk away.
If you love me, this shouldn't matter.

Never once did I lead BA to believe I was going to end things with MG. Quite the opposite, in fact, and for this I am proud. I could have straight-up lied and told him what he wanted to hear. And believe me I thought about it. But in the end, I couldn't manage it. So I decided to give him the whole truth no matter what the question was and not hold anything back. Which made for a very uncomfortable vibe.

He kept saying, "I'm waiting for the part where you say, 'Of course, baby. I will end things with him right away because I love you and I want to be with you.'" Yeah. That part didn't happen.

To tell you the truth, I was dying inside because I was imagining being on the other end of this. You know the feeling when you really want someone to say certain things or make things a certain way, and they just can't. And, well...I had some major awful New Guy flashbacks.

When I left, he gave me the ultimatum that if I didn't take care of things with MG, he was done. That he would continue to call me and TM me, but nothing else would be happening. He gave me a goodbye kiss and told me loved me.

And he has TM'd me twenty-or-so times since then.

Meanwhile, I am torturing myself over what to do here. You all KNOW I'm not about to break things off with MG. I don't see that ever happening.

But I don't really want BA to go away either.

However, the morality of this issue is hitting me smack in the face. I mean, I could have totally lied yesterday and faked my response. I'm usually fairly decent at telling people what they want to hear. But I couldn't do it.

And I feel pretty good about not lying and being upfront.

Problem is, I'm also feeling pretty crappy about losing BA.

What is a girl to do?