Back to Business...

Well...the birthday week is over. And things are returning to normal. School is gearing up to start and we are getting ready to settle back into a (GASP!) routine. My BFF went back to work, too, which means she is now sleep-deprived like the rest of us and has to resume a responsible schedule around the house. What a bummer.

Tomorrow morning my kids will get on their respective buses at 6:23 a.m. and 8:03 a.m. I will probably have my first major breakdown at around 6:20 a.m. while reminding my 12-year-old for about the gazillionth time that the bus is on its way (He usually doesn't leave the house until he hears it coming down the street. Granted, the bus stop is right across the street from our house...but if you've ever seen that kid walk, you understand my urgency on this matter.)

Next up will be my First Grader, who will be dressed and ready to go by 7:15 a.m., munching happily away on his cereal while watching Spongebob. He will begin watching for the bus at around 7:30 a.m. - you know, just in case the bus decides to be 1/2 hour early for the first day of school. He will ask me once every 1 1/2 minutes if it is time for him to trek across the street. He will also ask me every 1 1/2 minutes if I think his friends are dressed and ready and if they might possibly want to come over and play before school. Then he will begin worrying about his plans for the evening, and hence will commence negotiations on where and with whom he will play. That's when I'm going to have my 2nd breakdown.

Good news is that I get to ship them all off to school (YIPPEE!!!) and spend my morning looking at MG. Ahh. That will be a happy, happy moment.

If you haven't guessed, I'm feeling very lovey right now, so excuse me while I bore you to tears while talking about my love life. I actually had a very UNeventful weekend in this area (except for the partying I did with P - which BTW doesn't count toward my love life). BA and I didn't see each other (for the first time in 5 weeks) which was okay. He sent me some lovely TM's on Friday and they were good enough to hold me over until yesterday when they started again...

You remember where I left off with MG? Well, Sunday, while I was sitting at the pool, he called. To talk and see what I was up to. And to see if I wanted to do something later. The problem was that I couldn't because I had to make a road trip to pick up my oldest child - a trip that would eat up about 3 hours of my day. So we got to have a very nice conversation, and he said he would call me later to see what was going on.

And he did call. But, alas, I was still on the road and our timing didn't work out. We made a commitment to do something during the week. We miss each other, you know. Like, SUPER BAD! And he was very sweet and loving. It melted my heart right then and there. Have I mentioned lately that I LOVE him?

Wow, I can't believe I just wrote that. I guess I could backup and hit delete, but you know what? Let's go with it. Yes - I love MG with all of my heart. I love being with him and hearing his voice and talking to him. And going on dates with him and hanging out with him and...the list goes on and on. In fact, I can't think of anything negative to say about him. Oh yeah. Except that one little thing that he has going against him... Then there's THAT.


The thing about me & MG is, however, that this thing has been in the making for quite some time now. Like over a year. That's one whole year of both of us thinking the same things and having the same feelings and going through the same strife over not being together. And one year of both of us watching each other and thinking about each other and trying to figure each other out...


We went over peaks and down valleys. There were super great times, and colossally awful times. There were nervous butterflies and hurt feelings. A lot of time was spent with each of us trying to figure out where the other stood. All without tipping our own hand. The funny thing is that people all around us knew it was going on. They could see it plain as day. Even people who had just met us said it. And all of my closest friends knew it. I even think my four-year-old daughter knows it. She loves MG almost as much as I do.


But anyway, I don't even know what to say to express what I feel for him. I don't remember feeling this way about anyone else. It's so relaxed and calm. I trust the way he feels about me. It's the same way I feel about him. And even though I know it isn't right, it sure the heck feels like it is.

And then you have BA. I didn't take him or us seriously at first. We were set-up with absolutely zero expectations. And the first few times we were together, we hit it off, but no sparks flew or anything. And all I thought about the whole time was MG. But now that we've spent some QT together, things are different.

And this is where I get pissed off. Because it WAS NOT ME who stepped up this game. I was NOT THE ONE who took it to the next level. This is all BA's fault. I was cool with coasting along and not having strings attached with no emotions involved. I was fine with the occasional date and all the not worrying about where I stand, etc. Now that he's all lovey and intimate and super sweet and all attentive and stuff, I have sprouted real feelings and emotions for him. Dammit. This was SO not the plan.

The other thing is I find myself wondering if BA is being sincere with all of this or whether it is just part of the game. BA is the type of guy with whom you absolutely need to be careful. I am reminded of this often by The Puppetmaster. I appreciate his words of wisdom, but nonetheless, they make me afraid. And I don't like being afraid or having to constantly reevaluate everything - remember the New Guy fiasco?

What I'm trying to say is that I'm afraid to let myself be vulnerable in even the slightest way with BA. Somewhere in the back of mind, I'm afraid he is playing me. Maybe because of all the hype that The Puppetmaster fed me early on. I can't tell. I mean, there's not a single thing that BA does to make me think he's insincere. Very much the opposite. So why do I feel so insecure about this? I shouldn't. I know he means what he says. But something is holding me back.

Here's the thing... BA and I have never had the "exclusivity conversation." I think mainly because, through our dealings with The Puppetmaster, we both know what is going on with the other. BA knows about MG. And remember he was told he couldn't compete (which oddly enough makes him try HARDER and gets him MORE interested!?!). The Puppetmaster has told me about some other chick with whom BA has conducted an on/off relationship for the past three years.

What no one knows for sure is the current status of that relationship. The Puppetmaster says that he knows BA is being sincere with me and is totally into me...but that Other Chick, if she comes around, or if that works out, or whatever, would be #1. That makes me #2. Do I even need to say that I DON'T LIKE being #2? BA doesn't talk about Other Chick anymore so no one knows what is going on with that at this given time.

This upsets me. I realize I have no right to be upset about this, but DAMN IT - it pisses me off. No, wait. Too strong of words... It hurts my feelings and makes me feel bad. And makes me question all the above stuff I already mentioned.

The Puppetmaster again says that everything BA says and does is sincere. He truly means it. I shouldn't cut this thing off because of Other Chick - I just need to keep it in the back of my mind.

Yeah. Here's a NEWS FLASH for ya, Puppetmaster: That's NOT WHAT GIRLS DO!

So now I'm conflicted. I went through waves of angst yesterday during which I alternately decided to cut things off with BA for causing all these emotions and warm fuzzies to grow inside me...and being okay with the it because I trust what BA says.

And then last night I had an epiphany. I realized that what BA is doing to me here is EXACTLY what I'm doing to him. E-X-A-C-T-L-Y the same.

Y'all know that I would never give up MG. Not for anyone. And no matter how many X's and O's and I Miss You's he tells me, I will not give up MG for BA. Not. Going. To. Happen. Which makes MG my #1 and BA my #2. And it's the same damn thing.

So this is what I've decided to do...

I'm going to play it cool with BA. If he TM's me, fine. I will respond. But I WILL NOT start stuff up. If anything, this will only pique his interest - which will only work to my benefit. But I'm going to stick with my no-calling rule and let it be.

Obviously, things with MG are wonderful. Our relationship is easy and comfortable and there's not a lot of maintenance required. It will work out on its own. And that makes me very happy... He is my #1 and will continue to be treated as such. Hopefully sometime this week :-)

Not too complicated, right???